Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what