casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”