One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My love language is hissing.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein