If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
🌱🌱🌱
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!