If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries