Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery