[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
You Might Also Like
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.