[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy