“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.