$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.