Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.