4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.