*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.