Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum