[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Autocorrect completely socks
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.