WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I think I’m having a stroke
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented