*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Two types of dogs.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.