breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Why am I like this?