[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You Might Also Like
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
saving face 馃憖
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.