I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands