I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Meow
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet