Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter