why isn’t thunder called soundning
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Great game to play with friends
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.