Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅