Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.