Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.