Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My new favorite headline
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER