Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Worth the read.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*watches the world burn*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.