COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.