God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.