My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
(yawn)
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut