it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You Might Also Like
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on