Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
are there any atheist mantises?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…