ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?