Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.