Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Mad Max: Furry Road
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies