My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I have obtained a hat
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*