Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Finally!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks