If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
God has left this place
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE