[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
real
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The Compass
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.