My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.