It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup