cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Wednesday