I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
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I love it all
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.