I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?