I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Planet of the Apps.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew