HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Banking tips
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.