Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.