pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.