I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this